Living it!

Since when did living become so important, that everything I do aims to keep me going, living on. I get into these phases of acute inaction when my mind stops. I get into these spaces of vacuum where my entire existence comes to a standstill. Then I invariably land onto the discourses of psychology which name it a 'condition' and offer me therapies to pull myself out of it or spirituality that urges me to rediscover myself and realize the fact that my 'self' is a fluid concept. These discourses are meant to relieve me of the numbness of this situation, help me live. Living is something I need to consciously try and do, push myself, shed any inertia life gets into and constantly strive to introduce elements of life into a mundane existence.

It was not so when I was growing up. I strived for something else. And Living just happened. That 'something else' still surfaces time and again. It is still nameless, faceless as it was when I was 13-14 years old and trying to make sense of things. 

Demon in my head...

Binaries don't exist. They are merely tools for the lazy to simplify things which are inherently complicated, for the fools to accept the simplification and mask the limitations of their cognizance, and, even worse, for the powerful to ensure that the simplification stays intact. 

As I grew up, several binaries disintegrated for me - binaries of right and wrong, men and women, oppressor and oppressed so on and so forth. The latest in this series was that of the proverbial "head" and "heart". My romantic self preserved this binary like a secret codex to enlightenment. A codex straight from the poetry of life! So, when it disintegrated it shook my entire existence. 

I have never been scared of the answerlessness of life. In fact, I have almost celebrated it again and again. Probably because for every answerless situation, the "head" raised questions for me and the "heart" answered them, as lucidly and effortlessly as possible. And then entered this demon in the picture. I cannot even pin point what is it or where is it. I am calling it a demon for the lack of a better or a stronger word! This demon is unrecognizable to both my head and heart. Neither of the two can explain much about it. It raises its own questions and unabashedly provides its own answers, leaving my trusted duo utterly baffled. It is gnawing through my existence slowly and painfully. Of course, there are these bursts of hope that shove it away completely. Yes, completely! That is how I know that I need more of them. The demon keeps on coming back, sometimes more often than these bursts of hope arrive. I never actively, consciously looked for hope. I do now. 
I won't give up without putting up a fight....